There’s great news for old people who like causing trouble.
The Conservatives have announced that, if they ever get to be the government, old people won’t be targeted by ridiculously arbitrary new police powers, and can continue to get away with all sorts.
Chris Grayling, Shadow Minister for Sweeping Generalisations and Random Punishment made the annoncement:
“I’d like to see police given the power to confiscate, temporarily, a young troublemaker’s mobile phone. Removing their SIM card, with all their mobile numbers and text messages on it.
“For a fortnight or a month, not permanently. But long enough to make a point.”
We contacted an old person for comment.
Paul Cotterill, part-time editor at the Bickerstaffe Record and well-know larrikin, was overjoyed at the news.
‘That’s brilliant. I’ve been planning a real spate of anti-social behavour with my mates in Bickerstaffe, and we’ve have been working fokr some time on several lines in disgraceful, pointless abuse of passers-by while wearing a hoodie.
Now it looks like we might get to do all this with total impunity because the police will be totally focused on victimising people who wear hoodies in a cooler way than me. Serves ‘em right for being born so late, I say.’
We tried to speak to some other old people around Bickerstaffe, but they were all busy threatening each other and slashing each others’ tyres and stuff.
Instead we visited Sandwell, where famous oldie Bob Piper was probably up to his usual tricks. Piper may have commented:
‘I can’t thank the Conservatives enough for this sensible approach to justice. Me and the lads have been getting increasingly cantankerous as we get older, especially when we get chucked out of the pub, and knowing that we can have a bit of a ruck with the fuzz (old person word for the bizzies) of a Saturday night and still have a phone next day is completely great. I take my hat off to Chris Grayling for this admirable plan.’
(Hat tip: Reuben at Third Estate, who is a young person)
